CALIFORNIA ER: MORE BLOODY THAN SEXY

Not even a week since my trip to the Idaho ER and I end up in the California ER! Ain't that some shit?

I went to the West Valley Animal Shelter to a visit a dog I had been considering adopting. I was there an hour and a half and during that time, I was also playing with a nice Labrador mix. Gentle, sweet, maybe even slightly timid.

It was 4 minutes to closing, I was saying goodbye to "my" dog and stopped by the fence of the other dog. The "MIX" part must have represented a blend of Labrador plus freakin' psychotic sharp toothed blood thirsty lab experiment gone wrong! I barely put my hand in to pet him and he chomped down on my left hand. I think it was jealous of the other dog but in two seconds it went CUJO on me.

So I look at my hand, which is now squirting blood, notice my middle finger is now kind of "flappy", and I'm in disbelief. I look again and my finger is still bleeding, and I can see that the flesh looks shredded and beefy. For a minute, it made me want Taco Bell.

Now, instead of acting like a normal person, I panicked. Why? Because there is one sign plastered all over the whole kennel repeatedly - DO NOT PUT HANDS INSIDE CAGES. DOGS MAY BITE. Crap - they are going to get pissed at me for ignoring the sign and getting bit 4 minutes before they get to go home for the day. I am cupping my blood as it flows out onto my clothes, dripping on my feet and thongs, and wondering how I am going to sneak out unnoticed. Moving quickly, I go inside, heading for the exit, and grabbing the comlimentary cat litterbox newspaper to wrap my hand in.

By the time I got to the ER, the blood had soaked through the newspaper and started to dry. It was like paper mache'. I had a horrible vision of little kids whacking my mini-pinata hand in the hope it was full of treats.

Now my middle finger has been sutured back on, covered in a gauze condom, and sticking straight up as a permenent "bird" until Friday. My only hope is to be accepted for who I am and not shunned at the reunion for my hideously distorted digit.

Anthony "I taste like chicken" Butler