It is a cloudy, dark, and rainy Friday morning. There is something cliche' and yet appropriate about the weather. Today I sit at my desk at work, with my heart being torn to shreds, contemplating having my dog put down. Even now, I am wondering why this is BLOG worthy and why I am writing at all. I am trying to maintain composure at work so I guess this is my outlet. My grief is too monumental to be contained yet I don't want to embarass myself at work.
Bibi was adopted 6 years ago. I got her as a rescue dog. She was small enough to be around the kids and I thought she'd be company for my wife while she was home with the baby (Nathan). The first day she came home - she peed on me while I was sitting on the grass. She had the odd male trait of lifting her leg to pee and she marked me as her own from day one.
Bibi always just "existed". She never begged for your attention, although she was very happy when you noticed her. She liked to have her tummy rubbed and sometimes would like to be carried like a baby. Being a pug, she could snore you out of a sleep.
As the years past, we took her for granted a little and she did not always get the best treatment. It is hard to think that within hours I will be saying good bye forever.
The decision was not black and white. She has poor vision, mostly deaf, and has probably suffered some small strokes. She has leg stiffness and some incontinence. Three days ago she started declining food and started a gagging/choking reflex. The other side is that she "looks" fine and still acts like she has life left in her. She has the same "glad to see" you look. What do you do? Act fast and prevent her further suffering? Watch as she deteriorates for days, weeks, months? Hope that she will get better with excess vet care and medicines - or accept she is 15 and probably doesn't have that much longer anyway? The vet will do what you want and is smart enough to leave you with the facts and the burden of decision. It is a very fine line - and I am sure any decision would leave me full of guilt.
Today, I must look at that little face and hope she understands why I am helping her die. I can barely comprehend it myself, but I hope she at least finds a peace that I will not.
Anthony
3 comments:
Anthony, So sorry you are in that position. I have had pets all my life, but not yet had the decision of their fate put in my hands. I'm sure you will do what is best for Bibi.
Take care,
Stacey
Anthony,
A few years ago we lost both our dog and one of our horses. As hard as it is, you know when it's time for them and you will do the right thing. Making their life end peacefully is the last and maybe more kind thing you can do for them when the time comes. Your vet will be able to help you get through this too. Then remember the joy they brought to your life. I hunt and fish with a some pretty rough and rowdy hunter/cowboy types and not one of us can keep a dry eye when talking about our beloved hunting dogs. You'll do the right thing because you love your dog, my wife calls it the last act of kindness.
Take Care
Apa
Anthony,
I am so sorry you will be saying goodbye. Know that she will be at peace and have a dignified end. She was blessed that you rescued her and had a much more fulfilling life because of you and your family.
Take care,
Marie-Elena
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